the legend of pollyanna

i'd like to give you a brief history of me.

i was born a poor black child. well, i wasn't black, i didn't see people's color then, but we were poor. and i had a ridiculous name, and my mother thought she was jewish, so i was an outcast. smarter than 98 percent of my class through elementary school, i was inquisitive and my only little boyfriend was in 6th grade. jeff ferguson. he was a smoking dirtbike rider. i broke up with him because we didn't even hold hands...i didn't return the stick pin he got me, though.

i smoked and drank from the time i was 12.

my mother was not EVER nominated as mom of the year. she had a strong right hook, and i believed her when she told me she'd cut my tongue out if i didn't stop crying. once she threw away all my toys--i think i was five. she left me bumped and bruised and in need of stitches...i could go on about that, but will just say that it went on throughout my childhood, until we had a fistfight my senior year in high school. the man i call my dad, is not my biological father, but is the father figure i have always known. i love him, in spite of the fact he was such a wimpy yellow belly, knew my mom's m.o. but did nothing to stop it. i paid every one of his bills in 2003, because he was too depressed to work, and i stayed pissed off at the person i called a fucking bitch piece of shit... for 35 years. now she's just my mom. and he's just my dad.

attended temple as a child, couldn't learn hebrew so didn't make a bat mitzvah, and drove myself to catholic church (like my friends) when i got my license. i now align with no organized religion. have always believed in God.

in high school, i was known as the slut. the girls hated me. and the boys chased me even though they had girlfriends. the slut moniker was not true. i didn't even put out. the first guy i had sex with, my boyfriend, artie villano, dumped me immediately after our session. i already bought his fucking christmas present.

i wanted to be popular. i never was.

my brother is five years younger than me, i remember the day we brought him home. i have treasured him his whole life. thankfully my mom spared him her hand. he was an extraordinary geek. i beat asses all over the country on his behalf. to say that i am proud of the man he has become would be a gross understatement.

i have lived in michigan, new jersey and texas. travelled to other cities, states, and countries.

i used to make lists of people i hated. not in a colombine sort of way. but just a list to look at, so that i could actively loathe people.

got a worthless liberal arts degree in college, drank to my heart's content, and actually learned a vast number of things. i went on to be a cop. stayed at that department for a while, but then quit because i didn't know how to be passive. became a squeaky wheel. not very political. i learned some incredibly important things on that job. and i was good at it. was very angry when i left. had dreams about the job for years.

bartended, worked on an oil pipeline, baby sat, cleaned houses, worked for a tree trimming business, sold diamonds, dresses, vitamins and medical equipment. waited tables, sold plasma, and ended up as a teacher. and i'm good at it, but i want to do something else.

back then, i carried a chip. carried it in my arms, on my shoulders, even dragged it behind me. it weakened my back for the better part of 35 years. i always felt like i had something to prove. like i had to produce proof that i was worthy of anything. attention, affection, time, money...i talked like a sailor...and continued to smoke and drink.
never married and no kids that i know of. nobody ever asked.

have always struggled with my weight, and built its reserve to 220 several years ago. lost that and the man who enabled that life. still no bikinis.

one day, i got virul pneumonia. i had no insurance and a 105.5 temp. i thought i was going to die. i didn't know what i had. didn't know if it was cancer or aids. all i knew was that i had no strength to fight. so i didn't. the doctor pumped copious amounts of i.v. vitamins into my body. my mom came home and took care of me. she helped me shower and dried my hair. for two weeks i slept in a chair because i couldn't breathe.

the next few years i went through an epiphanous stretch. i learned about my body. lungs. oxygen. water. pysche. soma. about the system that so many take for granted. the finely (or sometimes not so finely) tuned machine that we inhabit here in this lifetime.

i remembered my academy driving instructor's instructions. i began looking at the big picture.

everyday became only a grain in my hour glass.

i read books about everything.

i learn.

patience.

silence.

giving.

forgiving.

my first grade teacher, mrs linton,'s lesson...the golden rule

began to understand.

i try everyday.

all the rest of what i learned and continue to discover is for another time and blogspace. don't think for a minute that you are the only one who has ever had their heart broken, been blinded with rage, or wished a mortifying death upon a person. don't think you are the only one to have inflicted pain, or cast hate. in as much as you are not the only one to have felt that raging negativity, i am not the only one to learn to embrace joy. to make the best of the seemingly bad. the world is my oyster. and yours too. i have proof if you need it. but you don't. you have your own. you've just forgotten it.